Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Bike Faff

I am not a fan of faffing. I'm the one that sits tapping my foot, quietly building up inner rage whilst waiting to leave or go somewhere whilst someone faffs away, looking for this, checking for that. I even go so far as over-preparing to reduce any risk of morning faff; clothes are always laid out the night before, mental preparation is done for breakfast and the alarm is placed in some far away place to avoid the dreaded snooze.

Now don't get me wrong, I do love my cycling.. but.. compared to pretty much any other sport I partake in, there is a ridiculous amount of faff involved. If I want to go for a run all I need to do is stick my trainers on and I'm out the door. An impromptu cycle involves a helmet, bike shoes and a initial weather assessment (i.e. peering out the window) followed closely by an in depth clothing and glove assessment at the bare minimum.

Then of course you have water, snacks, the secondary weather assessment (which involves tottering about outside for a minute to gauge how hot or cold you might get) which then can change your clothing and glove options, what lenses to put in your glasses, finding ingenius places to safely store your phone and keys, the "should I wear a hat?" debate and the whole ensuring your machine is in fact roadworthy bit.

By the time you've found a spare tube, taken your pump from your other bike, sworn at your presta valves because they're bent (again) and take four attempts to pump up and eventually lifted your bike over all the other crap in the shed/garage/hallway you then look up and think "actually I should just check what the weather might do later". The tertiary weather assessment involves either managing to catch a forecast on the TV or quickly loading up a website to check. Even though this is a compulsory step in the bike faff routine, it's a completely and utterly pointless one because the weather report will ultimately always be wrong and no matter what it says you'll decide you don't trust it and end up searching for either sun cream or your tiny waterproof.

It is now you realise that you've lost an enormous chunk of time through pure, unadulterated faff and you are in a bit of a bad mood. The true faffer will decide at this point that another 15 minutes isn't going to make the blindest bit of difference and will put the kettle on. This for me would be the point that I start thinking about what time I might get back, will it be dark? Perhaps I should bring some lights? You spend another few minutes hunting for batteries and so it goes on.

The moral of the story is to keep EVERYTHING bike related in a box by the door, remember to always pump up your tyres, clean and lube your chain after a ride (as opposed to before the next one) and check the weather every hour whilst you're at work so this doesn't eat into riding time.

Now, who's ready in 15 for a ride?


  1. Excellent. I can just imagine you with steam coming out of your ears!! Tee hee xx

  2. Egg, the inner rage you describe is quite often visible! Just inspired my March Newsletter!

  3. I *heart* your faffing Egg!