The Night Before Christmas - rewritten

Twas the night before Christmas, not a soul was awake,

Except me downstairs, I’d snuck down for cake.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with nails,

So much chocolate was in them a pin would have failed.

The rest of the clan were all sleeping tight,

Unaware of the action that would take place this night,

I scoffed down the last little Christmas cake crumb,

And set off to bed with a lovely full tum.

When out on the driveway I heard something whirring,

So I jumped up to see just what was occurring.

I drew back the curtain and peered through the blind,

Excited and nervous at what I might find.

The moonlight shone down and reflected on metal,

I could see a small chap who looked in fine fettle,
It was Santa himself; the jolly young fellow,

But instead of his sleigh he rode a Cervelo!

He stopped right outside on my own garden path,

I saw him bend over and stretch out his calf,
A few aching strides ‘cross the frosted grass floor,

Then in his gel bike gloves he rapped at my door.

No traditional St Nick this was I did meet,

No red suit, no fur, no boots on his feet,
All in lycra he was on this cool Christmas Eve,

Piped with florescence on his legs and his sleeve.

I said “Santa! Come in and sit yourself down”

And he flopped on the chair with a sigh and a frown

“Oh Egg”, he said “I’m knackered and I just need a rest,

“I didn’t plan for my night to be an endurance test!”

“I’ve been trying all year to get fit and keep trim

“I even got all the elves to build me a gym,

“I thought I’d do a triathlon; swim, bike and run

“Now I train all the time, I’m addicted, it’s fun!”

“So we set off tonight, me, the deer and the sleigh,

“And Rudolph’s red nose was leading the way,

“Getting down chimneys was but a breeze,

“With no jelly belly I slid down with ease!”

“But this year with my health at the front of my mind,

“I didn’t eat and drink all the treats I did find,

“I couldn’t face eating all the mince pies and cake,

“I longed for a smoothie or a protein shake!”

“So Dasher Dancer and Prancer had all of the sherry,

“Comet Cupid and Vixen, by gosh were they merry,

“And Donner and Blitzen ate so many mince pies,

“They got drunk and lazy, they just couldn’t fly!”

“I thought very quickly, about the best thing to do

“I chose pedal power, so I grabbed the P2

“I knew I could go fast across mountains and moors,

“But you see Egg, the bike, it was meant to be yours!”

“So I’m sorry, I’ve trashed it, I’ve had punctures galore,

“I’ve slipped on the ice and I’ve crashed on the floor,

“I’ve bent the derailleur and there’s grit in the chain,

“I’ve cycled through blizzards and thick winter rain!”

Delivering presents by bike, well I was impressed,

I could see the poor bloke was trying his best,

“Santa” I said “I know just what you need,

“A toolkit, some tubes and a jolly good feed”

I made a huge meal of pasta which he threw down his trap,

Then I lubed up the bike while he took a short nap,

He awoke full of beans and free of those aches,

So we fixed up the bike with new tyres and brakes.

He got ready to leave but just before he went off,

I gave him some gels and some bars he could scoff,
Then I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"